I am busy though. My life is expanding. This is a surprise. In many ways a pleasant surprise. Boredom, apathy, lack of drive, lack of earnings, lack of lackable stuff all round, was one of the things I knew I had to tackle.
Because I'm a freelancer, I have to bid and pitch for work, chase it and find it. I've been successful lately and found two new clients who are already providing what feel like demanding long-term projects. A second day in my office job this week (it's usually one), and I'm starting to feel a little under pressure.
That's good in many ways. I've limited myself for too long, trapped by my own low expectations and a lack of energy caused by PAWS, or depression, or anxiety, or sheer, damned laziness or whatever it was.
I'm pushing at the edges of what I'm comfortable with though. My balloon feels full. Recovery must be about challenging yourself. How would you change otherwise? Nor would I want you to think that I'm engaged in anything very serious of that the average worker in my profession would be concerned by. I'm not. In fact, I've done much more in the past. Before alcohol intervened, I was a newspaper reporter and, if I do say so myself, a very good one. A very busy one too. Quite driven even.
So, I am capable of this. I'm just not yet very used to it. For a while now I've been quite pleased if I manage to do one thing a day. Complete one set of work; make it to the office. Any sort of appointment would become the one thing I felt I was capable of easily enough.
Now I'm trying to do more. I work from 9am at the latest after meditating, making breakfast (remember, I'm starting from a very low base in life skills - consider me a pre-teen child and applaud now, if you will). On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I need to go to the addiction clinic to take my Antabuse. A non-booked appointment of indeterminate length. I cook lunch. I work again until at least 5pm, often 6 or 7pm. I then make dinner. Wash up. Sit for a while in front of the TV until my food is digested enough to allow me to do my work out, which takes at least 45 minutes. Then I meditate again. Finally I write my daily post here, smash it around social media as far as I can and go to bed to read.
There is still room for arsing about on Facebook, although only after working hours now. And I break for tea, and fags (stop smoking you div!). Mags works at home for now and sometimes I need to help her out. I do the shopping if we need anything.
Now, I appreciate that this is a very ordinary, average routine. To me, it is a challenge. Something I've never really tackled. I'm very proud (if you'll forgive me) that I'm managing it so far.
Tomorrow is quite an important challenge for me. Mags is away for the day. I shall have to replace the exterior break on my sometimes bad behaviour with... with me! With wanting and being capable of doing the right thing. With coping with perfectly manageable stress levels easily enough and without reaching for coping mechanisms that only harm me and make me feel bad.
Wish me luck.
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