Thursday, 22 January 2015

I hate anxiety. If I ever see a damned sabre-toothed tiger!

I had my anxious friend back today. Gitfink! Last night I was full of beans, this morning I was full of hot, thin, bubbling crap (a pleasant image I know, but that's how it is). 

Two phone interviews at work was the cause. It puts the frighteners up me. There's no reason why. It's something I'm perfectly capable of doing, and doing well. Which, of course, I did. 

The mornings are awful though. Three trips to the toilet, two triggered just as I was about to step out of the door. Mags joined me in my walk and the change in routine jazzed up my blood further. Routines make me feel safe, but mean I only feel safe in my routines. And that's no longer good enough. 

I am trying to fight this. Meditation and yoga breathing is, I'm sure, starting to have an effect. I'm nothing like the shaking wreck I've been in the past. 

I've had a chat with a psychologist about anxiety (he stopped me from ingesting the tar-like coffee syrup that was my morning beverage of choice. I've attended an anxiety course at Addiction Services, and I'm due to go back and complete the sessions I was too anxious (or was it depressed) to attend last time out. 

I understand anxiety quite well now. That it's a series of physical symptoms that can be individually countered - lay off the stimulants, try to keep cool, drink some water. And that these are ancient responses more suited to a sabre tooth tiger attack than my walk to the office. If I ever see that sabre-toothed tiger he's getting a kicking. 

I do use that knowledge. I tell myself there is no sabre-toothed tiger. I do examine my fanciful disaster scenarios. For some reason they seem to have crystalised around soiling myself in public, in the past it's been mockery or laughter that I imagine as the ultimate humiliation THAT WILL DESTROY ME BECAUSE I CAN'T COPE. I question how likely they really are to happen; what evidence do I have; has it happened before. 

My meditation continues to still my racing mind and focus it better. My exercise continues to make me more physically confident.

That's all I can do. And that it was I will continue to do. I'm making incremental improvements here. Alcohol is the best anxiety remedy in the world, in the short term. Now I'm finding replacements for it.      

If you spent it, thank you for your time. If you'd like to chat, leave a message or drop me an email. I'm on social media too (where I also never shut up).