Friday, 16 January 2015

Inflated, fragile and fractured. A work in progress.

It can be tiny things. Really really little, insignificant things that send me off my path. 

I'd had a great day today. I'd been pretty good in the work department. I hadn't indulged - helped with my new social media blocking software - in too much online time wasting. I'd meditated early in the day. I'd gone for two walks and spoken to people.  I'd eaten well and not let myself approach distracting hunger.

I had hit all my targets in many ways and was feeling good. Actually looking forward to tomorrow and the exercise class. And then something really tiny happened. 

I shared a link to a friend's business on Facebook and tagged some people who I thought were close to the area he's setting up in, asking them to like and share his page. 

One person in an ever-so-slightly off-hand way asked to be untagged. All fine and dandy. 

And it destroyed me. Really quite upset me. Threw all that good stuff out of my head and put me into a whirl of self-doubt and self-hate. Since it happened I've been anxious, I've wanted to find some comforting blanket to hide in - given the choice it would have been alcohol or porn or both, with cannabis. 

I had confidence, now I have none.  As soon as it happened I started to flutter about, refreshing windows, desperate for stimulus.

Isn't it silly? 

Yes, it is. But it's what I'm up against. I think, almost above everything else, I need to be liked/loved/approved of/patted on the head. One tiny deviation from that and I'm in a spin. I can't bear conflict or disagreement - I want everyone on my side, if possible cheering me on.  I wanted the person whose page I shared to think I was great. I wanted the person who didn't like being tagged - and whom I'm only friends with because they seem interesting and exciting with a known name in their sphere - to like me too. When they didn't I couldn't bear it.

This sounds terribly egotistical. And it is. It's a very insecure thing. Deep down, and I suppose this is all fairly classic, it's probably because I don't like myself very much. Because I'm not living a life full of integrity and honesty and independence (I won't go so far as to type, "lies, deception and dependence" though it's what I think) my ego is very demanding and very fragile.

There is no short answer to this. No quick, easy solution to this fragile bubble of self-esteem. It's a reminder of how far I have to go. I have to build something from the bottom up, something that's real and that I can believe in. Something that won't be shaken so easily. 

And that's why I'm here. That's what I'm trying to do here. This blog is part of that process for me. Though it's also a seeking for approval too. I haven't thought about it too much, but what could be more approval-seeking or ego-feeding than blogging? I suppose the difference is that I do want to achieve things that are worthy of approval here. I do want to be genuinely useful. I do want to help other people escape addiction. That is true and there's nothing wrong with that.

I should try to learn from this though. What has contributed to this? Well, too much Facebook in the first place. I probably drank too much caffeine today. While I've done OK in regards to work today it's all been fairly superficial - nothing much has been ticked off the ever-growing to-do list. 

If you spent it, thank you for your time. If you'd like to talk, leave a comment or drop me an email.