Saturday, 3 January 2015

Is this PAWS

I'm a little stuck again today. Up and down. Not focusing on anything very much, not doing anything very well. I have plenty I could be writing about but it's a struggle - I've forced myself to come on and write this, which will be a post about very little. 

What have I done today? Not much. A tiny bit of work and a supermarket shop. My mood is swinging like a pendulum (one that swings quite a lot). I will meditate later, and I'll get some sort of workout. I had intended to go to the gym. 

This, and days like this, might just be the way things are. There may be an element of PAWS to them though. PAWS is post-acute withdrawal syndrome. If you follow the link you'll read a right nasty list of possible symptoms and an unpleasantly-long two year maximum for sufferers to endure. 

The problem is, I don't know what is PAWS and what is life. What's a reaction to stopping drinking and what are separate problems that should be further dealt with. I've certainly had problems with depression in the past, though I was always drinking a huge amount and that was a very likely cause. If there's a self-medicating aspect to my addiction (and I think there is), then anxiety is certainly what I was medicating for. 

The answer is, I suppose, to sit and wait and see what passes and what doesn't. And to keep doing good things in the meanwhile. 

This last couple of days has been a bit rubbish. I could tick a lot on the list of PAWS symptoms and say, "yes, that's me right now". Certainly anhedonia (the loss of pleasure), mild depression, slightly obsessive-compulsive behaviour, guilt, pessimistic thoughts, and so on and so on. 

It must surely be impossible to find the cause - PAWS, life, me... - and thus to do much about it. 

It's been a battle the past couple of days. I don't think I'll lose. I'm fairly confident in that, and I'm bound by Antabuse to remain sober. I've thought more about drink and I've craved more in this period though. 

It should also be noted that it's just into January, the weather's pretty shite, and I've got plenty of things to think about (and to me, thinking is worrying). 

If you spent it, thank you for your time. Leave a comment if you'd like to talk.