Monday, 26 January 2015

Minor slips. Minor recoveries. That's me, that is!

I've had a minor slip today. Not alcohol. I wouldn't be writing this if it'd been alcohol. Were I properly drinking again, there's no way I'd have the time, energy or inclination to write a blog - sodthelotofyers... I'm not, so I've taken my Antabuse today, so I'd be in hospital. 

No, it's with the other stuff. The online nonsense I thought I'd cleaned up with the clever social-media-and-other-time-wasters blocking add-on I downloaded last week. They're easy to turn off aren't they. 

I smoked as well. After managing a 24-hour period of abstinence from the evil weed. 

What's to learn though? Certainly that one feeds into the other. A slip in one battle is likely to lead to thinking that all battles are lost/temporarily suspended and so a slip in another is more likely. 

Being alone. Mag was away most of the day. I'm rather ashamed that I (who celebrates his 44th birthday on Thursday) can't be left to my own devices. It's a bit shite isn't it. I've mentioned H A L T, the Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired triggers for relapse before. Lonely then is one for me to think about. 

On the positive side. The effects of this lapse have not been too bad. It's not a slide, it's just a slip. I think the work I've done on being healthy, getting fitter, meditating is starting to stand me in - if not good - then better stead. 

It's all part of the Big Plan (I've never had a Big Plan before so excuse the capitals, I'd paint it purple if it were more tangible. There may come a time...). That my life will be busy, useful and fulfilled enough that it's not something I'll want to throw away to alcohol, or (to a lesser extent) these other behaviours. 

Today then is chalked up as a partial failure with a decent recovery. I worked, if not at Stakhanovite levels; I cooked and ate well; I left the house; I've meditated once (with another to come); I woke up early; and I've kept the house and myself clean I tidy. 

Hopefully tomorrow will be better and brighter. There's no reason why it shouldn't be. 

I'm sticking this song on the end simply because I like it and because I bet every addict who has ever heard it has listened to the chorus and said to themselves: "that's me that is...." I felt it myself today. 


And as it is true of the bad things, so it is true of the good things. I do those to myself too and I can chose to do more of them. I'm certainly moving in the right direction.