Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Morning is broken. Who's going to fix it?

Bad days come and go. Today was a bad day. I seem to be stuck in a cycle of a good day being followed by a bad day. It's a bit of a rollercoaster at the moment to be honest. 

Trying to be positive, I can look for causes of these bad days. Unfortunately, it always comes down to the same thing - it's me. Me and my bad habits, me and my laziness, me and my me-ness. 

That's not so postive is it. Well, yes. I can change me. And I am. It's incremental though and I'm frustrated. Understanding though, because I am still working, I am still moving in the right direction. I am still sober. 

These bad routines are terribly deeply ingrained. Moving them seems like the most enormous work. I can take hope from the fact that I have evidence of previous change though. It might not sound like much - the sort of thing a child might be pleased with - but I now wash properly every morning. 

To stay negative and mired in these routines and then in their analysis and then in the inevitable self-loathing that I own these routines is to lose. 

I must find hope. 

OK. So, I have some bad routines that I'd really like to change. Getting up earlier for one thing. I'd love that. My mornings are bad, my mood is at its lowest. I set my alarm for 7.30am. It wakes me. I go back to sleep. By the time I'm at my desk and ready to work it's usually 11am. Three hours spent not doing very much. A lot of social media no doubt. 

So how to change it? 

I really don't have a quick, easy answer to that. Addiction may play its part. I'm probably drinking too much caffeine (though I've largely sworn off "proper" coffee and drink mostly green tea). Lots of people are a bit grousy until they've had their first coffee or tea of the day. So I could tackle that. 

It feels a bit more fundamental than that though. Long, useless lie-ins sit alongside long baths that I shouldn't be having because they're not good for my eczema. Warmth, comfort, swaddling, womblike states... this is super attractive to me, to the extent that I'll indulge it at the cost of getting on with even the simplest tasks. Alcohol I'd put somewhere in there too - it was a warming, comforting thing; pubs too, with their warm, darkish tones. I wrote a song about my drinking once that included a line about a pub as "a red-walled womb, a comfortable tomb". 

So I need to find something else that will give me this comfort, or something approaching it, in a way that doesn't have such negative impacts on my life (and today the effects have felt very negative indeed).

You're supposed to have answers aren't you? I mean, on a recovery blog, one recovers. I don't know how to get over this hump at the moment though. I'm reading another self-help book, but I'm not yet ready to start blogging my way through it.  Perhaps that will help.

I'm still meditating every day. I'm still exercising almost every day. I am leaving the house every day. These things are becoming routines, but they will take time for these routines to become embedded, and their positive effects will be cumulative. 

There was an outside influence too. I was terribly upset by the massacre in Paris today. I cried a lot, looking at pictures of the dead, of that policeman waiting to die. 

I have massively cut down my news consumption. It has too negative an impact on me and it was something I consumed compulsively. I saw that I was actively taking in a huge amount of information that I found very upsetting, and which I had very few tools or opportunities to act to change for the better. I think I have done that a bit today - making myself upset. 

That said, and as meaningless as it may be, I will say here: Je suis Charlie. I do still believe in that.