Friday, 2 January 2015

Out of darkness and into the grey

I didn't write anything yesterday. I had intended to, but to be honest it would have been nothing more than a moan and I'm trying to keep positive. That won't stop me moaning now though. 

Yesterday was just one of those days. One of those days when everything feels like a struggle and you doubt very much you're in any sort of a recovery and if you are, well, recovery isn't all it's cracked up to be and you might as well have a drink. 

Yesterday stank. Nothing terrible happened. There were no traumas or crises or explosions. No parts of the house fell off. I've counted all my limbs and I still have four. It was just malaise. 

I'm trying to think of specifics. It'd be a good idea to spot these things and head them off at the arsey pass, don't you think. But it's hard. It's all just a big grey mush of a memory. 

I seem to be in that cycle at the moment. A good day is followed by a bad day is followed by a good day. That means today has been a good, or at least better, day and so those specifics are worth recording I think. 

I meditated. In fact, I've kept to my New Year's resolution (wow! Two days, Don! That must be a record) so far and meditated every day. Don't knock it, it's an improvement. I've also kept my other promise to myself and left the house every day. I did both these things yesterday too, but they didn't seem to work their magic. I did some stoopid things too, but I don't want to dwell on those. 

Today I feel more like I am in recovery. And that's key. Bad days are definitely a relapse risk. A risk of being sucked back into that cycle - I'm sad/anxious/unhappy, I'll drink, which makes me sadder, more anxious... 

I have some plans for tomorrow. And that's about all that I can manage at the moment. I've become unaccountably tired and must head away.

Things have been better today though. The sober clock is ticking on. A lighter shade of grey and heading towards white, light, brightness. 

If you spent it, thank you for your time. If you want to talk just drop me a line. 

Christ on a bike that rhymed!