Sunday, 18 January 2015

Rock bottom has risen. Honesty's the best policy. Girding.

My mood has definitely improved in the past few days. My concentration is better too. My big bugbear is anxiety, and I think I'm noticing an improvement in this too. 

I have more energy. I'm more inclined to do the right things at the moment. My default reaction to challenging situations/moods/thoughts is improving. 

I still have downs and I still struggle. I still have a long way to go. But I've noticed that when I am a bit down it's less likely to take hold of me and pull me under. 

I'm really pleased (like duh! What else would I be?) with this. I've always known that working at something would improve it. Why I've spent so much of my life not doing that is something of a mystery even to me. 

I could go into my childhood and note that I was quite naturally good at the things people wanted me to be good at. I've got a very good memory - eidetic or photographic or whatever - so I'm very good at passing exams. Not at understanding things, you understand, just at knowing them. 

There's more of course. But this isn't the time for looking back.  

Honesty's the best policy  

One of the biggest pluses, I think, is I'm now being more honest. I was going to write, "I don't know why I'm being so coy about this", but that itself would have been dishonest. I'm more ashamed of having a porn addiction than of anything to do with alcohol.

I've danced around "bad internet behaviour" and so on. But a lot of it is to do with porn. And I've stopped. And it's hard (no, don't do that). But it's working. 

Honesty is better. I'm lying to anyone who reads here. I'm lying to Mag (which is far more important. Lying only by omission you understand, it's not the sort of thing you bring up.)

My porn use certainly fitted all the classic symptoms of addiction. It's something I'm ashamed of, that I hide. Something that I use to deal with unpleasant feelings and thoughts, but which actually ends up feeling like fifty shades of shite. It's something I've desperately wanted to stop, yet still find myself doing. It's been progressive. I'm seeing negative effects away from the actual behaviour. It's also something that goes against my core beliefs about life. 

It could only ever bring misery. 

And I'm finished with it. This is just a matter of saying (and meaning) "no more" and acting on it. It's been over a week now.

I feel much better for it. I feel cleaner both physically and mentally (it's not nice carrying a big dirty secret around with you every day, as any addicts reading this will know). I think I have more energy too - but there could be other reasons in my improved "good" behaviours. 

That's that then. I hope never to have to mention porn, other than in news items. I don't use porn.  

Let us gird! 

This week feels like quite big one. I'm making progress and I like it. I want to make more. I hope I'm not making a mistake. 

I'm convinced my challenges for the week:

Meditate twice a day
Exercise every day 
Walk every day 
Challenge the day-time only routine with a post-5pm gym trip, walk, or return to tai chi class

Are reachable and realistic. You're supposed to do that aren't you? Don't set yourself too goals that are too high and then have to deal with all the negative fall-out of failure. 

I haven't felt so positive for a long time. I want to break some more of my bad habits.