And I relapsed on porn. The two are not unrelated.
I'm still deeply uncomfortable about writing, even anonymously, about this. My drinking put me in some very nasty places and helped me to do some pretty awful things. I never felt the shame I associate with this though. The reasons why this is may be interesting (some feel fairly obvious), but now isn't the time or place.
I have decided to take more concrete action on this. Such is my shame that I have never reached out for any help with this (see, I keep saying "this", I don't even like typing it).
Now, I really want it to stop. I'm starting from quite a good place. I've had recent longish periods of abstinence. I have on-going experience of succesful abstinence in another addiction. Now I want to aim for total abstinence.
So I've done what the wise addict should do. I've committed to that. I've reached out for help. I'm finding out what I can and getting support. I'm putting support measures in place at home.
I set up more comprehensive blocking on my computer today. I joined a support forum and signed up for seven day and 30 day abstinence challenges with the intention being long-term, total abstinence.
I hope not to come back to this subject too often. But I had thought that will power would be enough. Wanting to stop and intending to stop and trying to stop... But it hasn't.
With at least some of the sort of support I've had with stopping alcohol I have high hopes - and I think that believing that one has put a bad behaviour behind one is essential to actually doing it, I think. Creating those forum accounts, making that public commitment and asking for help felt like at least a small lifting a weight I'd carried alone for too long.
I intended this blog to be very much about my primary battle, which is the recovery from alcoholism. This is part of that. This is part of creating that better life that I want. A better life that doesn't have too many (let's not say none, it's wrong to think of absolutes I think) untruths, has no shame, has no hidden things.
It's good to talk. I am now an ex-porn user.
If you spent it thank you for your time. Please leave a comment after the tone.