Wednesday, 14 January 2015

The house is falling apart. I am not. Well not quite.

Exciting news here at More Than Sober international HQ (all 17 storeys of it). I've changed my font from Trebuchet to Verdana. I hope you can all get on board with this. 

This is just a diary really. Just writing to keep writing. I should be working, but I'm struggling to concentrate. This is a better displacement activity than almost everything else I usually indulge in. A small step in the right direction then. 

As to the dramatic headline. Well, yes, the house is falling apart (you'll forgive the hyperbole, I used to be a journalist), to an extent. We've had a leak in the roof for ages - ages being that indeterminate period between me noticing a problem and me doing something about a problem. 

It's getting worse of course. As all of the great thinkers have reminded us: "If you don't firking mend the hole in the roof, the hole in the firking roof won't get mended." 

"I feel weak," I told Mag. And I did. It's been there, all hole-like and everything, for the aforementioned ages. I've been telling Mag for ages that we need to do something about it. I'm good at telling people this. I'm not good at being an active part of that "we". 

Today "we", that is Mag, acted, and phoned a couple of builders. Wow! This is new. Problem - action - solution - feelings of feeling like a weak trombone vanish. 

Silly, isn't it. 

This is my current reaction to stress. I freeze. It seems to apply whatever the stressor. Work deadline = sit doing nothing ("nothing" in this case means staring at a Facebook feed or a newspaper comment page). It's better, I suppose, than my previous reaction, which was to get hammered. 

As any fule know, getting hammered not only does nothing to address the problem/deadline/masonry in question, it also leaves the stressee waking up the next day full of remorse, guilt and with a head like a blocked drain. 

So, we're moving in the right direction here at More Than Sober International HQ (the guys on the 16th floor will be super pleased for me). 

I'd like to be further in that direction, of course. And I'm getting there, albeit slowly. 

Looking back to my Tools for Recovery post I note again that it's very unfocused. I'm doing OK with the physical part of this. My exercise continues. I'm looking forward to my class on Saturday, I'm hoping to get to the gym tomorrow. I've been good with my meditation too (though I didn't really include that as a tool, I should have done), to a point. I do meditate every day, but I haven't got into a very fixed routine with it. It's improving though, I now have moments of complete calm. 

I still can't get out of bed. 

If you spent it, thank you for your time. If you'd like to chat leave a comment or drop me a line.