Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Another OK day. Tomorrow will be better - the list says so. From 0 - 70 in 10 seconds.

I've done OK again today. I have a clean and blameless internet browsing history; I have left the house; I have meditated; I have exercised; I have eaten three good meals; I have worked almost to the best of my ability. 

Although I've been in this battle, certainly with alcohol, for years now, I feel like I've come quite a long way in a short time. 

I only really committed to recovery in a big way at the turn of the year. Wanting to take my sobriety and turn it into something more.

I'm really pleased with the results so far. But I need to keep pushing myself. 

Right now I feel strong enough to do it. Again, I feel I should count my lucky stars. I've been able to do this on calm seas, there have been no major life stresses to deal with. The things I think of as stressors and even possible relapse triggers are small beer in the scheme of things - my brother visiting, my partner going away for a few days. 

But I've never managed this before. Mag is away and I'm not stoned and knee, no make that neck, deep in pornography. 

I'm allowed to be pleased with that. 

My first push was to change my morning routine. And I've done that. However, I've slipped back a little and I want to push myself tomorrow to get back into the better routine. In short it means getting up and about earlier. 

I'm also making a list for tomorrow. I want to get the laundry away, I want to get another load on, I need to go and take my Antabuse, I want to have a shave. 

In fact, why not change those "I wants" into "I wills". There's no good reason why I can't achieve those small tasks. 

I'm wary of to-do lists. My past history is of making lists only to be so pleased that I've made a list that it all ends there. Still this is all about living and learning. 

Work is my one concern. I now am very much at the limit of what might be too much for me. I am almost certainly going to miss deadlines. 

I really need to be doing more. Again, I'm not asking the impossible of myself. At least I hope not. 

This has been a sudden shift in my working patterns. I've gone from days when I did very little - in all honesty, I was doing well if I did two full day's work a week most of the time - to needing to work full days and more. 

This has happened in a matter of weeks. 

That has to be my focus tomorrow. And I need to take it at least a little easier on myself in this area. I've ditched social media during the day (and find I have less interest in it outside those hours in any case). I only take breaks when one might in an office. But I'm finishing at 5pm when it should be later. Sometimes I get tired so head off to look at some Recovery stuff; in the grand scheme of things that's much better than it was, but it could be better.

So tomorrow I'm a working bastard. I feel as if I'm doing well. Let's see if I can do really well.