Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Fear of a new life. Danger or opportunity. Expanding clocks

I had a touch of the fear today. Nothing new there, I suffer from anxiety, fear has been my daily companion for as long as I can remember. Absence from fear was what drink gave me. 

I guess I'm scared of the same things I always was. They come down to, in the end, the fear that I won't be able to cope. Nice and big and fat and amorphous. 

It came on as I getting through a good day. I was being a good recoveree and walking to the bank at lunchtime to pay some cheques in. Of course there was nothing to be scared of. Except: I have work to do; the house might be broken into while I'm out; someone will attack me while I walk; I will need the toilet and not have anywhere to go. Where is Mag? What's happening to her? And I won't be able to cope.

I also had an even more undefined fear. I can't even put my own finger on it, so I have little chance of explaining it. I'm making a lot of changes; change inspires anxiety. I'm learning new things; these take time to bed in. 

I walked past my previous comfort zone, The Spread. That's where I could forget fear, drown it and drift happily through hours. My escape has gone. My other bad routines are gone or going too. 

So I just need to keep doing what I'm doing. I know I am doing the right things. More of the right things than I've ever done before and with more knowledge than I have ever had before.

This time next week I'll be home alone. I'm scared of that too. I think it's good that I'm now not pining for drink or the return of other bad habits. I'm scared of them. 

I'm very confident that I won't drink. Antabuse will see to that easily enough. All I have to do is take my tablets on Monday morning and I'll be safe for the week. 

I'm much less confident that I won't fall back in other ways. Between then and now I'm going to try to turn that thinking around. To turn this fear of failure into anticipation of success. I know that I'll feel amazing if I'm able to stay on course while Mag is away. It's something I have never managed before. Imagine if I can do that - if I can get up early, work all day, not waste hours in bad online behaviour, not get stoned, not hate myself, not cope with not being able to cope by hiding or self-hating. 

This is my opportunity. I've said - and always in all good intentions and completely honesty - that nothing can stop me from doing this other than me. There is no external force that will make cannabis or porn or the big nothingness or failing to eat because I'm too scared to go down stairs for no good reason any more useful to me than it ever has been. 

I already seem to have more time. I'm ahead of myself. I normally type this stuff at 10pm. I'm a little discombobulated by this, not sure quite what to do with this time. 

Things are going so well that I'm afraid of them going wrong. I'm aware of permission thoughts and so on, so I'm keeping an eye on myself.

To end on a positive: I have more energy than I've had for I don't know how long; I'm laughing more than I have done for I don't know how long; I'm keeping on top of my work and domestic life more than I have for I don't know how long... 

Onwards and upwards. From strength to strength. This is new, so it's frightening, but I like it. I want more. 

If you spent it thank you for your time. Please leave a comment after the tone.