Wednesday, 4 February 2015

Fizzing.

I'm fair fizzing with energy today. Almost ready to pop my top. I want to enjoy it. 

I remember very vividly one day last spring, relatively newly sober but long enough to start feeling the benefits. I was walking out of the Antabuse clinic - not always the cheeriest of places - and it was a beautiful sunny day. 

Suddenly I felt a great moment of contentment. Not ecstasy or bliss or some high. But the absence of fear, the absence of The Down, the lack of anything to worry about, the ability to walk without eyes scanning for imminent and vividly imagined threats. 

And I thought to myself, "What if we're always supposed to feel like this?" 

We're not supposed to feel like anything though. In many ways we get the feelings we deserve. But it was a heartfelt thought and totally honest. 

And that's rather how I feel now and have felt in the last couple of days. I occasionally go to sleep saying positive things to myself, something I picked up from the Happy Addict. 

And last night I was thinking, "I've never put anything above the minimum amount of effort needed to get by into being happy. All my effort has gone into facilitating getting wasted for the maximum amount of time possible. What's going to happen when I put that effort into doing the right thing?"

Isn't that exciting? It's as exciting and frightening as hell to me. 

A tiny doubt comes with this euphoria. I've experienced this before, particularly in early sobriety. While anxiety, fear and depression have been my daily companions for just the longest time now, in sobriety I can get rather grandiose and overblown highs. 

That's part of the fear. 

But it doesn't feel like that this time. It feels natural and - in so far as it can be said to be so - earned. 

If you spent it thank you for your time. Always happy to talk - please leave a comment or drop me an email.