Thursday, 12 February 2015

Fresh views, powerful views. One of the best days. New life.

Because my focus for a few days has been on staying clean of porn, I've been reading in forums and communities dedicated to breaking the addiction. 

It's been quite refreshing. Perhaps it's because it's a new problem and not yet totally recognised for what it is - it's not a sex addiction, it's a dopamine addiction they say - and how serious it can be. 

Because they aren't following the pre-laid paths of treatment and advice that alcohol and other drug addicts tend to go down they're finding things out for themselves. 

I've read some powerful stuff that has quite inspired me. The main goal in recovery from addiction - and no, it's not entirely novel I know - must be to build a better life with better behaviours. 

I'm aware of this and working towards it. It has felt quite distant, but feels a little closer now. 

Partly because I've achieved something this past few days and since I started with this in January. I've taken on new behaviours successfully and they've triggered more changes. 

Before I start dreaming up my perfect life, my first goal must be to be an ordinary, average person. 

Doesn't that sound terribly dull and uninspiring? For me, it will be a great achievement. To be someone who manages to go out without panic and has the freedom to do so whenever he wants. To be someone who can take care of themselves and their home. To start to take some pride in appearance and hygiene. To be on top of finances. 

These are my first goals. 

I'm moving towards them. This is the first time that Mag has been away and I haven't smoked cannabis or indulged in bad internet habits. My work life has massively improved. I'm getting fitter and stronger. 

In fact, today has been one of the best days I can remember for a long time. For whatever reason my mood has been consistently good. I haven't struggled badly with cravings or urges, I've eaten well, I've done some stuff around the house, I've gone out for a walk. I've felt in control and therefore free. 

So the new life - the writing novels, symphonies and operas - is still the big-picture goal. The shorter term goals is average, capable citizen.