Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Just saying no. Slight slips. Looking at the positive, being aware

I'm just about through with another day. A day on which I had the opportunity to buy cannabis and didn't. 

I wasn't offered it, but Fitz came round and I know it's always there. In fact I sat and watched him roll a spliff and smoke it in front of me. I guess some smoke must have got into my lungs. 

It wasn't enough to do anything other than make me feel slightly headachy and off afterwards. I think from now on this is a cannabis free house. 

I'm more pleased that I wasn't even tempted. Mag is back tomorrow. In the past that's been my last night of smoking and porn bingeing. Not this time. I'm even more pleased that I don't have to spend half of tomorrow running round like a blue-arsed arsehole cleaning up the house, airing rooms and spraying air freshener. 

There have been slight slips, slight misses of the goals I aimed for. My tobacco smoking has gone up slightly and I've allowed myself to smoke in the house when I'd taken it outside lately, trying to help Mag stay stopped. That will have to change. 

Otherwise things go pretty well. In fact, better than they have done for a long time. It's time for me to look at the positives of these few days clean. A few small steps along what will probably be a long road:

I have two new good habits - I exercise and meditate daily. Twice daily for the meditation most days. 

My concentration is better. I'm more able to do one thing at a time. I'm listening to classical music. I'm listening to albums, ones that I haven't heard for a long time, and enjoying them.

My work is improving in quality and quantity. There's a way to go, but I'm travelling. 

I've found staying away from social media surprisingly easy. I'm just not that interested in it at the moment. 

I'm fitter and stronger than I have been in... possibly ever. My body is changing shape. 

I need less sleep. I now sleep seven to seven-and-a-half hours a night. Not long ago it was often 10. 

I have more energy. I'm interested in playing the guitar again. I'm enjoying things. I thought about writing music today.

All round I'm in a better place. More engaged with life. More interested in making more changes. 

These are great and good things. But I mustn’t be complacent. Mag will be away or out all day soon, putting all those temptations back in my way. And her return will put a strain on a routine I'm still establishing. It's natural to have some adapting to do to another person returning to the house: I've been cooking and washing up for one, tomorrow there will be two; she doesn't like alarms going off at 7am when she needs to be up, rested for work at 8.30am. 

Today was tough. I came close many times to relapsing on porn. I didn't. It is another day logged. Another day towards rewiring those neural pathways. Another day sober, another day of repair. Another day off cannabis. Another day stronger. Another day towards bigger and better changes. 

Is this hope? Good lord above, where have you been all my life?