It's all very honest. I hope it's useful. For me, certainly, perhaps for other people as well. These are things I think that I think deserve further examination. Working through is the phrase isn't it.
Today I wrote "directionless and scared." That's how I felt. A couple of times in the last couple of days I've felt like I'm alone on a high-wire in doing what I'm doing. As the prime comforter of my adult life has been alcohol, it's not good for me to feel like that without trying to do something - and something different - about that.
So I'm trying to learn about this bad day. This moody, anxious, tetchy day. I'm not quite sure where it comes from, perhaps it's Biblical, maybe Shakespeare came up with the word first, no matter, "arse on a stick" is the phrase for today.
First I'm going to look for causes.
That's easy. At least easy to start. The next door neighbour spent what felt like hours in the early hours of today screaming and banging at her door in the midst of some spectacular domestic with her partner. I didn't sleep well. I didn't get up well. I didn't hit my morning routine and spent too long in bed. That's fine, it's Sunday... But it made me feel lazy and crap.
I'd invited a friend from my old local, The Spread, round to watch the rugby this afternoon. He didn't turn up. I'm not sure how much I really expected him to. To get The Doge to do anything away from that bar is hellishly difficult. It's not his fault. His anxiety must be at the very least as bad as mine. His nervousness about travelling has all but marooned him in Thin City. But his - not unexpected - no show left me feeling a little low.
I thought about loneliness and concluded that, yes I am quite lonely. I spoke to one person today apart from Mag, the lady in the shop where I bought milk.
"That's £1 please."
"Thanks. Ta ra."
That's not enough.
Otherwise I did the right things in response to this slight case of the drabs. I meditated this morning. I exercised this evening. I went out for a walk. I did some work. I did some cleaning this afternoon. I ate. I used my online support sites.
I've been fairly busy most of the day, but I still felt like I'd been smacked in the face with a shovel. And not even a good quality shovel.
What can I do differently? Well it's pretty clear how important my morning routine is. I'm hoping to add some breathing exercises to it soon. It seems I do need planned tasks to fill my time. Exercise lifts me, but apart from a two-minute burst on the exercise bike this afternoon I won't shift it in my schedule. Perhaps I should.
These things can be mysterious. How can a cause possibly be pin-pointed? There are just so many variables. Add in PAWS, add in possible withdrawals from the dopamine rushes of porn. Add in that Sundays have often made me feel bad - back to school, back to work. Add in that the rugby would have been a big and very enjoyable and social drinking day - something that I really loved. Add in yesterday's panic attacks...
There's no sensible way to come to any other conclusion than, who knows? And that the only sensible reaction is to continue to do the right things. With that in mind, I should call today a success.
In much brighter spirits yesterday I started to read a yoga book. I hope to introduce some of its breathing exercises into my routine soon. I've also looked out some Sun Salutation videos and that looks doable for me in my current state of fitness. These would both (or either) be good and achievable new routines. They're on the list.
If you spent it thank you for your time. Please leave a comment after the tone.