Monday, 23 February 2015

Plateaus and high wires. Keeping going. Stop moaning.

This is getting a little tough. Mag left this morning and I'm essentially alone for three weeks now. It's going to be that little bit harder to keep to good intentions and new routines. 

I hope it's just a plateau, before a further push onwards and upwards. I should - and am trying - to see this as an opportunity to prove to myself what I can do. 

That high wire feeling is there though. Alone and shaking the wind with none of the usual - and hideously damaging - supports to lean on. 

So I must keep going. Rather against my character I've posted a motivational phrase on my wall. 

Do the next right thing. 

That'll do for now. One foot in front of the other. One early morning, followed by one day of hard work, followed by one evening of working out. Meditate and meditate and meditate. 

I'm looking for the positives and the strength to push on. I think I'll find it. I'm still doing massively better than I have been doing for some time. These little flat spells don't mean that the journey has stopped. 

Journey is a cliché of recovery isn't it. Rightly so. 

It strikes me now that what I need fairly immediately is a bit more pleasure in this new life. What engages me? What enthuses me? I have plenty of time. I spend at least two hours every night watching TV, sheltering in my office. 

It's better than what I used to do, which involved spliffs and unsuitable websites. So it's time to take the better and make it even better. That's how you keep on a journey, you keep moving. 

Hopefully another series of The Wire will turn up tomorrow, giving me something to look forward to in the evenings - nothing lightens the mood more than drug dealers slaughtering each other. 

A better start to the day will help, so that's planned for. A good book tonight will help. 

I know that if anyone's reading this it's going to sound like so much rather pointless whingeing - man has slightly too much work to do, man has to spend some time alone, big woohoo. 

A lot of this recovery thing for me is about proving myself capable of living and ordinary life. Of working to support myself. Of not falling apart when left alone. 

So that's what I am and am not going to do. If you've been here or in a similar place you may understand how hard it can feel. That's just a feeling though. And feelings can be wrong. 

If you spent it, thank you for your time. Please leave a comment below.