Monday, 9 February 2015

Sometimes it just hits me. Staying clean, just. Still winning.

I think I'm doing pretty well. And I am. I haven't had a drink in... (runs off to look at blog with sober days counter) ...253 days. That's good going. 

Sometimes though the bigger picture hits me. I worked in an office today. I do one-day-a-week (sometimes less) with a local magazine publisher. It's usually a good thing. It gets me out of the house, I'm busy all day, I get some social contact. 

It often gets me thinking of stopping freelancing and getting a "proper job". That would probably be another step towards full Recovery and feeling like I'm really part of the real world again. 

And then I think about what my CV looks like. I think about my wasted time at university and my rubbish degree. I think about the jobs I've lost. I think about a lot of time with not much to show for it. 

And then I feel pretty crap. 

It doesn't help that a lot of my friends are pretty successful. When I look at my peer group - this is another reason why Facebook can be bad for me, or should be used in another way - they're doing well, they're on a path. They often have children, nice homes, good jobs with career prospects or good businesses. 

I'm 44 and am scrabbling around and still getting help from my parents. 

This isn't great. What I'm learning though is that, in a way, that doesn't matter. Everything that put me here (and I take full responsibility for my own stupidity, laziness and weakness at times) is done. 

I can now only change what happens next. That has to be my priority. At the moment I'm doing the best I can. I go back to my opening paragraph. A lot of sober days with many more to come. Addressing other bad habits and routines. Introducing new healthier routines and making them stick one by one. 

It's slow and it's frustrating, but if I am to get anywhere with what remains of my life that is what I must do. 

The danger is I can get like this and feel overwhelmed by negative thoughts. Anxious and catastrophic thoughts about the future - always ending with the anxious man's catchphrase, AND I WON'T BE ABLE TO COPE - come rushing in. They paralyse me. Good routines start to slip. Older, easier shortcuts can come back in. 

I had a bit of a close shave on staying porn free today. But I won. It's been tough, but I'm getting there, I'm still winning.    a