Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Urges vs Behaviours vs better reactions. Inertia. The power of breathing.

I'm doing OK. Not fantastic but OK. I'm still clear of all my addictions (except smoking, which is a job for another day at the moment).

I'm still getting urges or cravings. I'm just learning to deal with them differently. The previous pattern was always to just say yes, of course. Now I say no. 

It's not easy. It should be of course. I want to do something that'll be bad for me, so just don't do it. It's silly to pretend that we get addicted to things that don't do something for us. Alcohol made me confident, pornography turned off my anxiety. 

Short-term fixes that don't work. Part of the bigger picture must be to make myself confident in some other way. To find other answers to anxiety. 

I'm getting there. Simple delay has always been one of my most effective responses to cravings. Acknowledge the urge and allow yourself to give it five minutes or an hour or whatever. Distraction works too sometimes. Do something else. Anything. I jump on the exercise bike for two minutes, I juggle, I do some alternate nostril breathing. 

Inertia seems to be the worst problem. I can feel stuck in my chair; feeling I have to sit there as it's where I work, even if I'm doing the cube root of bugger all about working. My mind will wander.... hello craving! 

Being more active and being busier helps. 

I watched a succession of meditation videos today. I've got one on now. It's soothing. Everyone will find something that suits them. The ones that work for me best are from EckhartYoga. There are loads of them, they're well enough filmed and recorded, there's no music which doesn't work for me, and I like the voices of the instructors. 

Looking for yoga videos is not necessarily a good thing for someone who's trying to stay off porn to do. They're usually made by fit, young women dressed in leotards. The YouTube screen is full of triggers. 

This is not to question the intentions of those who make the videos, of course (though no doubt some play on their sexuality as a selling point). It's me who has the problem. Not them. They're doing everything fine. 

That's another reason why the Eckhart videos work for me. They're familiar. Porn addiction is all - or in large part - about a search for novelty. The Eckhart videos don't trigger me. 

The power of breathing has been a help these last couple of days. I'm so glad to be learning more about it. The most basic thing we do and yet so powerful. All of these meditations are based around the breath in some way. Breathing can calm you, uplift you, turn you into a jelly of panic. 

I'm reading about breathing when I go to bed. I never thought I'd say that. 

If you spent it, thank you for your time. If you'd like to then please leave a comment.