Monday, 16 February 2015

Why do I cry? A bit of a bounceback - earned. Still learning

I cried a bit today. I have these short, quite intense bursts of emotion. I'm not worried about it, in fact I think it's probably a good thing. 

I've numbed myself with alcohol and other shite coping mechanisms, most of which are around dealing with emotions. Now, see Emotional Don roar! 

Well, whimper really. It does rather puzzle me, and I've noticed the same pattern in previous periods of abstinence. 

I tend to cry at happy things. Not at the terrible tragedy, but the triumphant redemption. People overcoming terrible obstacles to achieve their goal, that sort of stuff. Anything to do with the civil rights struggle in America and I'm a mess. I cried today while reading about a chimpanzee involved in language experiments. 

I suppose it's an emotional reawakening of a sort. Perhaps awakening would be truer. My family is an odd mix - my dad is very reserved, my mother is very emotional - and that's no doubt played into this. 

Still, I see it as a natural, healthy part of recovery. 

I was in a slightly better state this afternoon. The fruits of doing some of the right things. 

I did take a bit of a break from work and surfed around some self-improvement stuff. I meditated. I did some yoga breathing. I had an early lunch. I gave myself permission to sit around and not do too much. 

The result was I felt much better this afternoon. Not as up as I felt last week, but orders better than I have felt in the relatively recent past. 

The fact is that this time around I seem to be more open to learning about self-improvement. 

To be honest, in the past I've been very suspicious of this whole area. All these shiny, happy people coining it in. No doubt there are a fair number of charlatans out there, and I think I've seen a few. 

Like the diet industry, it's one that's in some way based on people failing. 

I'm more open-minded now though, and I'm learning. More than learning, I think I'm accepting. I know all sorts of crap intellectually without actually acting on it. 

The big thing I learned today was - drumroll - you don't change without changing. Banal, huh? Some of this stuff can sound very banal indeed, but this is a cliche I've now taken on board and fully accepted and am ready to act on.

I want my life to be better. So I can't let me life stay as it was. That may include some changes that are very painful in the short term. 

I'm still wary of becoming a self-improvement bore, so here's a record. Have a listen. 

It's sort of a reminder to me that while I'm leaving behind some things from my old life I don't have to throw out the cultural baby with the illness bathwater (if you catch my drift). 

I saw The Fall last year. Mark E Smith (the lead singer) was so drunk that he was unintelligible. He's still a great artist though, wherever his art comes from.