I wish I knew why I felt like this. I lay in bed this morning instead of getting up and hitting my good morning routine. That's not a good start. When I did get up I had a retching session, the sort of thing I used to do every morning when I was drinking. I don't know where that's come from, maybe there's something a bit physically off with me. I can't think of anything I might have eaten that could account for it.
Lying in bed I revisited the Bad Mantra a little. It's not a place I want to go back to. It wasn't as bad as it has been in the past, not as intense or self-harming as it has been. I thought I'd left it behind though and its return is not encouraging. Still, I recognise that it's my choice to pursue those thoughts, that I still think there is something unsaid that needs to be said. They cannot and will not be said so there is no need to think about them.
I think I can find something to celebrate in that. Though I am in a bit of a bad humour today, my base level has improved - I don't sink so low, I don't stay down so long. I also have better coping mechanisms. I did a quick session of alternative nostril yoga breathing that helps. Then I went for a walk to the clinic and took my Antabuse.
I'm using my online support sites to splurge out stuff like this.
I'm sober and will not drink. I am clean of porn and will not relapse.
I'm giving myself a bit of a free pass though. One is supposed sometimes in Recovery to take it easy on oneself. I'm doing that today. I'm not pressuring myself to work. I'm using the time to look at interesting and improving stuff online - yoga, mindfulness, neuroplasticity, meditation.
If I get through today without using porn that will be a victory.
Although yesterday was tough I managed to get some cleaning done and it's nice to be in a better-tended environment.
I still feel that loneliness is one of the key problems that's causing this little low. It just hit me a little harder yesterday and it's on my mind.
I'm still rather stumped as to what to do about it. Yes, yes, I know the answers - join a group that reflects your interests, go to a coffee shop and start chatting to people... Things like this seem rather out of my reach at the moment.
They'll come to me in time I'm sure. But only if I continue on the right path.
I meant to start a gratitude diary last night but was too tired.
I shall start it now:
1 - I am grateful that I am warm, sheltered and fed.
2 - I am grateful for the love and support of my family.
3 - I am grateful for the love and support of my partner, Mag.
4 - I am grateful that I can contact people online when I am in need.
5 - I am grateful for my sobriety.
These things are supposed to be helpful. It feels helpful. I'll try to do it from now on.
If you spent it, thank you for your time. I love to talk, so leave a comment or drop me an email.