Friday, 27 March 2015

An up to follow the down. The superstructure. Not not doing.

Today has been so much better than yesterday that I feel as if I'm on a different planet. 

I've stayed on the straight and narrow with porn. I've stopped smoking again. I've been busy with work and I've stuck to what I wanted to do. 

That's meant leaving the house three times, doing something active every hour, taking my supplements and drinking more water. All good simple things that if they become ingrained habits will make my life better in the long term. 

This evening I've done my little workout and I'll meditate before I go to bed. 

The change in my mood since yesterday is almost absolute. It can be a real rollercoaster this Recovery thing. Despair to hope, regret to joy in simple things. 

I suppose what I've learned most from my relapses the other day is the important of the whole structure of my recovery. Small, good things can make the whole better; small, bad things can easily make it small apart. 

If I think back to when things started to slip, it's apparent that it's been an accumulation of small things over quite a long period. I started to make excuses not to take my exercise and to avoid meditation. I had too many, "well at least I'm not drunk" days. 

Everything is important. 

The big change in my thinking today has been from thinking of not doing things to thinking of the things I will do instead. I'm relishing the freedom from smoking I will have, the time it will give me, the improvement in my health, particularly I hope with my anxiety. 

It's easier to run towards the light than it is to outstrip the dark. That seems to be a pretty consistent bit of advice in all the Recovery material I've looked at. 

That's been my focus today. It's an effort. I've been negative, cynical and depressed for a long long time. I'm rewiring my brain and it will take time. 

I've had plans today. Plans to be creative. Plans to spring clean the house. Plans for my career. I've not thought like that for a while. 

All this will stand me in good stead for next week and for seeing Mag's few days away as an opportunity to seize. 

Days like these are a real blessing. Hard won in some respects, but oh so worth it. 

If you spent it, thank you for your time. If you'd like to talk, just leave a comment or drop me an email.