Thursday, 26 March 2015

Back into routine. Cooler heads.

I'm writing this to complete my routine. There may not be much of any consequence to say. There may be the benefit of a cooler head and a bit of distance from my appalling relapsey (new word spellchecker, deal with it) day. 

I've sort of recovered a little from my porn and cigarette binges. I've stopped both. I've thrown out any tobacco in the house. I picked Mag up from the station and cooked a decent meal before watching TV and doing my exercise. I'll meditate before I got to bed. 

So things don't feel quite as dark as they did earlier. Of course, that's the way of these things. One can feel hopeless in a relapse, which feeds the binge - why bother stopping when you’re such a pointless, hopeless loser who's never going to change any way? 

That's pleasing then. 

I've thought a great deal about my porn relapse and had a good deal of support on the NoFap forum where I post most about such things. There's a sad truth to be shared here. I'm still far more ashamed of that addiction and of talking about it, even in the sense of recovery, than I am of alcohol or drug addictions. 

This means I've never had any help with it. Until now and the NoFap forum, which has been a wonderful find for me. I don't know that I would have made the little progress I have without it. 

Online support forums have been a revelation to me. I've mentioned Bright Eye, the alcohol support forum I use plenty of times. It remains a constant of my recovery from alcohol abuse. There is knowledge and kindness aplenty there. The same at NoFap. 

If you're struggling to find help with any addiction I would suggest trying such things out. Be cautious and check things out first - this is the internet, you want to be safe and don't want to end up in a situation that causes you more harm. But do try. It might be a first step, especially if, like me, you find isolation a problem. 

I'm determined to move on in a positive way. So I've decided to introduce some new habits from tomorrow. They must be things I can realistically manage and keep up. They must do me good. 

I'm going to drink water! Yes, I know. It's hardly very much is it? However, I don't drink enough water. I'm actually quite averse to it - part of my really rather overpowering draw towards warmth. As chronic diarrhoea is a major symptom/cause (like a shitty chicken and its rotten egg) of my anxiety I'm hoping it will help with that too. 

I'm going to start taking a couple of supplements. I'm not a great believer in this sort of stuff. I'd rather eat well, and to a pretty good degree I do. I'm going to take a fish oil supplement and some vitamin B. The vitamin B I was given on prescription immediately after detox from alcohol. It's supposed to help with the nervous system and brain. Fish oil is reported - by sources often connected to flogging it it must be said - to be good for just about everything. Neither will do me any harm. 

I'm going to aim to move about more. In fact, every hour I'm going to do some exercise, whether it be 20 press ups or 40 crunches (about my limit) or two minutes on my exercise bike. 

I'd like also to up my outside time by committing to leaving the house three times a day. Tomorrow I'll get one trip out to take my Disulfiram (Antabuse) tablets. The other two don't have to be anything major, if I go to the shop or go round the block that'll do. I'd like this to be unscheduled and spontaneous in an ideal world. I just want to start challenging my anxiety more. 

In the broader sense I want to start using the techniques I was hoping would keep me away from porn more quickly. Boredom, tiredness and frustration with my work are key drivers of relapses. Hopefully some of what I'm planning to do will help keep that at bay. It's key, though, that I get away from the computer earlier when I am in danger of relapsing. It's bloody stupid and very understandable. I work online so I feel I ought to have the internet on even when I'm not actually working on it and that's when I start to stray towards dangerous territory. Time to pick up the guitar or juggling balls more quickly. 

This stuff will be hard. It sounds ridiculously easy I know, but it's an addiction, a compulsion and will be hard to break sadly. I'm ready to do the work. 

If you spent it thank you for your time.