Sunday, 29 March 2015

Constant failure. Trying something different. What do I want to be? Finding my own life.

This is tough at the moment.

I've just relapsed again on porn use and tobacco. If I could get my hands on some dope now I'd probably get stoned. I'm not going to drink because I'm full of Antabuse and it'd make me sick. I'd quite like to though. Make that, I'd really like to. 

That's OK, in a way. I understand that this is a process not a moment. And I'm in that process; I want to be different and to have a better life where I'm in control and responsible and able to give to people who I love not just take from them. 

So it's not going well. So I ought to try something different I suppose. That's what they say isn't it? The definition of insanity is... 

I'm at a bit of a loss as to what that might be right now. 

At the moment it's sitting trying to write this (badly) and smoking endless cigarettes. I ought to eat. I ought to do something useful. There are so many things I could do - clean, eat, invoice, work, exercise. 

It's just a dip. I'll be better tomorrow. 

Mag has gone away. I wouldn't be like this now if she hadn't left this afternoon. I've lost my raison d'etre. 

And that's what I think I need more than anything. I need something to be. And I don't know what it is. 

It's not this though. I don't think. It's not the drinker. Not any more. Or rather I still want that, but I can't have it, it's not sustainable, it falls apart. 

Hell, who knows. 

I keep coming back to a couple of heroes. Mark E Smith and Charles Bukowski. Not perhaps great heroes to have in this situation, as both men are very much defined by drinking. To me though they're about much more than that. 

They are about independence and honesty. They are about finding your own voice and speaking strongly with it. And that's what I need. And it's not what I've got. 

I've got to find that. 

This isn't me giving up on what I've started to build - the being healthy, the exercising, the meditating. But it's not enough somehow. I lose interest because it doesn't feel like me. I can change and make that me I suppose. 

I'm sober and that's good. I'm lost though and that's not.