Thursday, 26 March 2015

Relapsing. Understanding but not doing. Questioning my motivation.

Today has been a shit day. Properly crap. Awful. I'm trying to make the best of it now by coming here. Perhaps starting to blog again properly will help restart this Recovery process. It is at least a change of routine. Blogging at a different time of day. 

I've relapsed awfully on my porn free attempt. Just after I'd managed a good long streak. Well, 12 days in any case. That's the longest I've managed since I started to take it seriously as an addiction and as part of the broader picture of Recovery from alcohol. I've also smoked today after seven days off the evil weed. Both are linked. 

I think I understand why. At least I can sit here and say that to myself. I had some slight stress in that we had visitors in the house for a couple of days. I've thought out loud about the whole thing over on the NoFap Forum. Not to any great conclusion I must say. 

I understand but I don't do. I know I want to remain alcohol free. I know that I don't want to smoke. I know I don't want to take cannabis. I know I don't want to look at porn. 

Or do I? Because I've done two of those things today. 

Why? 

It's a big and gnarly question and I don't think I can sensibly answer it in full. 

I can try though. I have to try. I have to keep trying to replace those bad old routines and coping strategies with something better and in so doing start to live a much better life. 

I've relaxed on the exercise front over the past few days, allowing myself days off because I'm "too tired". I've been meditating, but again, I haven't put much concentration into it. I've been coasting.

This is a big thing, this change thing. I've made it bigger than, "I don't drink". That's been my choice and one I'm convinced is the right one. If I simply don't drink I'm pretty sure I will drink again at some point; I need to build something bigger and better than just sober. Hence the name of this blog. 

Today I've failed. I'm going round in circles here. I've pretty much lost a day to this. I've made my work stress worse. Mag is going away on Sunday and I'm making it much more likely that I'll have a miserable time of it while she's gone with my behaviour today. 

Damn. 

I suppose this is the way it is though. This - these - are addictions. They answer some sort of need that I need to answer in another way. 

The closest to a conclusion that I've come to so far is that I'm afraid. These behaviours and substance addictions are part of a bigger pattern. They are part of not growing up and taking responsibility for my life. 

I am scared of growing up and taking responsibility for myself. I say I want it. But I struggle terribly to imagine myself in the position where I'm able to do that - keeping on top of work, not lurching from crisis to crisis. 

None of this is making very much sense is it? 

So I'm going to try and make the best of this. Try to learn something. Try to make it a step-off to something better. 

In the spirit of doing rather than thinking I'm going to see what I can usefully do as a result of this. 

The first thing I can do and commit to doing is to exercise tonight and meditate tonight. 

The second thing is to get back into my morning routine tomorrow, including a shower with a cold blast and a meditation before I take Mag to the station. 

I can also note with pride that those seven days without nicotine and 12 days without porn are both record-breaking abstinences for me since... for a hell of a long time. 

No, not making much sense and writing from a need to "talk" to someone. Today has been a disaster and there's no denying it. 

Tomorrow will be better. I believe that. I believe it now.