Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Rising from the pit.

I want to write now so I haven't checked when I last posted. It's been a few days and since then I've been in a bad place. This is where I want to rise from now. That title is positive, I don't know if it will happen, I certainly am not rising at the moment. Maybe writing this will help. That's the plan. 

Relapse into porn has been the big cause and/or the big symptom. It's been big whatever it is. I really want to stop and now I have. For now. Hopefully for much longer this time. 

I can put my finger on causes. They are the same causes that always seem to be there: I'm lonely, I have too much work and feel overwhelmed by it. And then we get onto the big-picture stuff: I am an irredeemable failure who has no purpose in his life and cannot escape from sadness and anxiety. 

In reality this has only been a one-day collapse. I went to my office job yesterday, suffering the usual anxiety approaching panic on the way. I managed though and got the usual boost from being around people and having more directed work. 

Today I just hid. Hid in a bad place. Hid in my addiction. And I was stuck. Immobile in my chair. 

It's not been good and at the moment I feel powerless to do anything about it. 

Reducing my world to small tasks will probably help. I will eat, I will watch something engaging (and possibly more life-affirming than The Wire, which although excellent is not exactly cheery), and I will meditate again. I have done that today already. Hopefully I'll find the energy to exercise too. 

I'm pretty desperate right now. I haven't had any suicidal thoughts, but I have felt trapped in a dark place with little chance of escape. 

I need to find some positive things. And these are they:

I am not drunk. In fact on March 2nd I passed nine months of sobriety. 

I have just put together the longest porn-free time for many years and felt real benefits from it. I can feel those benefits again easily enough. Just stay stopped. 

I have a loving partner who cares very deeply about me. And I care very deeply about her. 

I have got a bit behind with my work. It's easily enough dealt with. 

I have some tools I need to get me out of this place. 

I am physically safe, warm, and solvent and have a lovely bed to sleep in and a good book to read. 

Tomorrow will be better. 

The longer I stay sober the better it will get. 

I am not stoned and do not wish to be stoned. 

This was a tough day, a day of (self-inflicted) suffering. In some ways it feels worse than bad days I used to have when I was drunk from 1pm and stoned from 6pm. It's not of course. I'm just more aware of what's going on. 

Yeah, just rather struggling to hold things together right now. If you believe in prayer, please pray for me or send a kind thought or something. It might even help. 

If you spent it, thank you for your time. Please leave a comment.