In my previous post I failed to record something that has been a major stressor since I saw it online (who spends too much time online?!).
It was an article on The Sinclair Method posted at the alcohol recovery forum I use. Here it is.
It's troubled me a lot. Perhaps more than I have yet cared to admit. You can read - or more likely already know plenty about - The Sinclair Method elsewhere, so I'll just arse on about how it made me feel.
It made me feel bound to fail.
The argument goes that abstinence simply won't work for many alcohol abusers. The cravings are too strong and they will eventually relapse into a binge - worse each time. These drinkers, the argument goes, aren't really addicted to alcohol but to the high they get from endophins that are released when they drink alcohol. These people are better off continuing to drink while taking a drug that blocks the (opiate like) endorphins. In doing this they can cut the link between the drink and the brain chemistry and take control over their alcohol use - some become abstinent, some moderate succesfully, all the while taking an opioid blocker every time they drink.
The thing is I think I may well be one of those drinkers. I haven't written the alcoholic recovery blog classic, "Why I'm an alcoholic" post yet. If and when I do, it will undoubtedly include my revelatory first experience with alcohol, really the greatest pleasure I have ever felt - utter joy, utter freedom from pain and worry.... There is also a family history of problem drinking with me. This is supposed to be another indicator of this sort of drinker.
This leaves me worrying that I simply won't make abstinence. Today it certainly feels very hard, I am pretty sure that I would be drunk now if it wasn't for Disulfiram (antabuse). I want a drink hellishly badly.
I hadn't thought about that for a while. I thought I would be able to build an alcohol-free life that was sufficiently rewarding that I wouldn't want to drink any more. And that I would simply accept that I couldn't drink in moderation.
That belief has been somewhat shaken by the article and a bit of further reading on The Sinclair Method.
This I think has fed into my relapsing in other addictions - one of which, the porn, is very much about brain chemistry in the same way.
As in my last post, I'm struggling to make sense of this and move on in a positive way.
I'm pretty sure that I won't be able to access The Sinclair Method through the usual channels where I am. Strangely, I do recall being prescribed naltrexone by my current addiction service. Though I'm pretty sure I was already abstinent at that point, and I can't really see the point of that.
So, this post is just more confusion. A little anger - if The Sinclair Method has the success levels some people claim for it then why isn't it offered as a matter of course to problem drinkers?
I'm very downbeat and on the verge of giving in today. Not on the drink. I'm committed to that for the time being at least. I want to do a year.
It's clear to me that the only positive I can take from this is that I must try to build this life that will give me calm, self-esteem and so on, and do so more urgently.
Again, confused. Sorry. If you spent it thank you for your time. Any comments gratefully received.