Sunday, 8 March 2015

Wobbling along but not falling.

I'm getting back on track. It's a struggle though. The mind plays tricks... Inertia is never far away... 

I'm writing this now for something to do. Something different. It's taking me out of my usual routines. 

Sunday used to be one of my big drinking days. Real benders. The pull is still there - it's days and time of day that pull me the most strongly. 

So I need to keep busy. I plan to do some cleaning, exciting soul that I am. I also want to have some pleasure and I'm pleased that a new series of The Wire has popped through the letter box. 

I certainly want to meditate and exercise this evening. I've had two days off: one in post-porn relapse recovery and one because I was at my parents' house for the evening. 

It's lovely to see them. I'm aware that the time I have to do that is short. It's always a bit of an emotional wrench going there. I have so much guilt about what I've put them through, and about my continued failure to become truly independent. 

My Mum worries terribly. And I've often given her good reason too. I think my Dad must have too, but he's never really shown it. He's not terribly demonstrative and in the past I've been resentful of that. 

Now I just reassure them. "I'm all right!" I don't say, "I'm lonely, I'm often scared, I'm struggling..." I don't want to worry them. I do need someone I can say that to. I suppose I'm saying it here.  But...

The truth is I am still struggling a little. Things should improve as I get back into porn abstinence. I won't work today, I'm allowing myself to take it easy. 

I'm convinced that I need to keep moving to keep strong though, so that's what I must do. 

I'm setting myself a minor task for the week ahead. I'm going to do an hour's housework each evening. That should be enough to get the house in a fit state for Mag's return on Sunday - and nice for me. 

I'll need to keep busy on the work front. That slipped in the last week. I need to get back into my good morning routines. 

Still I can say I'm sober. I'm not stoned. I'm not watching porn. I'm in the fight. 

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