Sunday, 5 April 2015

Anger! Guilt? Whine.

I had a flush of anger yesterday morning. Really visceral, physical stuff. 

I'm not used to this. I'm not a great expresser of emotions. Sadness comes most easily I would say. I used to laugh a lot when I was a kid but I seem to have grown out of that. Anger's very unusual though. 

It's supposed to be a good thing this expressing emotions isn't it? Better out than in. I'm not even sure what I was angry at though. Or at who. It's probably me, actually. 

It came out of going through the Bad Mantra again. It's been more intense and very painful lately. So I think I was angry at myself for putting myself through that. I was cleaning the kitchen at the time and I remember saying, "I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!" aloud several times and I was getting surges of energy through my body. 

It lasted a while too. 

Silly, huh? Recently I've been going through this with the belief that I can stop this if I want to. 

So why don't I?

That my friends somewhat baffles me. 

I've told the whole story to counsellors and to friends at No Fap. But I still I go through it. The Bad Mantra relates to stuff that went on nine years ago. Enough already. 

I do try just putting it behind me. Just saying no to the thoughts. But I still go through it.  I'm going to have to start saying "no" with more feeling I think. 

I've wondered aloud in the past about my reasons for going on with this nonsense, wondering whether it serves some sort of purpose. 

That's usually been focused around the anger I feel with the main protagonist in the Bad Mantra. It was only this morning - after nine bloody years! - that I started to wonder about the role guilt might play in this. 

I won't go through the Bad Mantra again. For one thing, it's pretty damn dull believe you me. There is another person, my ex. I am angry at her. There's also plenty for me to feel guilty about in the Bad Mantra. 

So am I punishing myself? That's a very tempting summation of things. It would be very typical; I'm into feeling bad about myself. I've called myself "evil" and a "psychopath" to counsellors - I'm neither of these things. Honestly, I'm not. 

If I am punishing myself then I have suffered enough. Nothing I have done - and I'm very aware of what I've done - matches this nine year sentence. Enough already. Again! 

Maybe this will help. That's what I hope. 

There's another possibility to all this too. Something that came up at No Fap. I mused that I wondered if this current bad run with the Bad Mantra might be a withdrawal symptom. I'm craving something and my mind is unconsciously trying to make me give in and use by making me upset enough to reach for my favourite coping mechanisms. 

I don't know. This is all a bit of a mess this post. That's how I feel at the moment - my ambition each day is to get to bed and my chief complaint each morning is that I've woken up. 

That's overstating things rather. I'm up and down and all over the place. I had a great afternoon at the allotment for example. 

If you spent it thank you for your time.