Wednesday, 1 April 2015

I got The Freeze! Asking for help.

Another bad day in recovery manor. Nothing bad has happened - no relapses, I remain sober, porn-free, a non-smoker and an imbiber of bugger all drugs. That's about it though. 

Yes, this has been one of those "well, at least I'm not drunk" days, though with added benefits of being off those other intoxicants listed above. 

It's been all about The Freeze. I sometimes get stuck, absolutely stuck. It's a physical and mental thing and a micro and macro scale thing. The cause is broadly anxiety I guess. 

I just stop doing stuff. Today has been a terrible day for work. A bad day for meeting recovery targets like getting out of the house three times or doing something active every hour. It's not a nice thing. 

I've asked for a bit of help at No Fap with it. (Have I mentioned No Fap? Possibly not, as I was - at first - so shamed by porn addiction that I hid it away even here. It's a website and support community, much like Bright Eye for alcohol problems. I use the forums there.) 

We shall see what happens. It was at the suggestion of another member. I complained about a recurrence of the Bad Mantra (a long series of repetitive, recriminatory thoughts I go through on many mornings), and he suggested "bringing it out into the light." 

I have done that - at great length, but even then not exhaustively I don't think. I wonder if it'll lead anywhere this revelation. I hope so. I had come to the position of simply accepting the occasional reappearance of the Bad Mantra as a trick of my mind - craving dopamine it is being denied by my refusal to use porn, it is trying to make me upset enough to relapse. It seems odd writing that, if it doesn't make sense no worries, I think I understand. 

Does talking about problems automatically make them better? I don't know. There was a time when I would have lazily nodded my head to that assumption. I'm no longer so sure. I've revealed a hell of a lot in the past few years - in blogs like this, in online support groups, to real life counsellors, to Mag at times too - and I still struggle with these unhappy memories and their effects on my current life. 

In an attempt to keep positive, I will not that at least I'm not drunk! Or any of the other things I could be. I'm pretty exhausted though and will go to bed very early tonight. 

Tomorrow I'm due in at my office job. My first attempt at that journey since I started taking propranolol. I hope it goes well. Mag is back too, though very late at night, I shall probably be asleep. 

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