Monday, 13 April 2015

I wonder if tomorrow will be the today. Accountability. The whys.

I wonder if tomorrow will be the today when I really get my act together because today certainly isn't it. It's, what, 11am here and I'm exhausted already. Exhausted, Don? By 11am, you must have been doing some seriously demanding and rewarding stuff already. Guess again. 

I'm exhausted by myself and by trying to stay clean and sober. I'm smoking more and that certainly doesn't help. I've not exercised for a couple of days either. My energy stores seem very low. I could easily go to sleep now, as I did yesterday afternoon. 

So things aren't going so brilliantly at the moment. Maybe tomorrow will be the today though. There's always hope while you're still in the fight. I'm finding it hard to convince myself of that right now, but we'll put it up there for now. 

I need to do something to change things obviously. In reality I know what these things are. I need to exercise every day. I need to meditate every day (I've actually managed to do that). I need to get on with my work and stop procrastinating. I need to get out and about and hopefully talk a little to people. 

So why don't I? Because I can't. Of course I can. That's what it feels like though. 

This could be the ups and downs of relatively early sobriety. It certainly could be the very, very early days of porn abstinence - day five going into six at the moment. 

Whatever. It sucks. It sucks big time. It sucks so big time that I'm using the phrase "it sucks" for it, and I never use the term "it sucks", I hate it, it sucks. 

What to do? What to do? I could wait it out, which I think will make relapse much more likely. I could do something about it and that's what I'm going to try to do. I'm going to do something active after this post - it won't be much, probably two minutes cycling. I'm going to seek some information, so I'll look at a No Fap or mindfulness video. And I'll start my work - only about two-and-a-half hours after I should have done. 

I'm also going to try to find an accountability partner on No Fap. It's something that might help so I'll give it a go. It's basically someone to check in with and to cheer on and to be cheered on by. I've found online support groups a great help so maybe I'll get more out of a more engaged relationship. 

I'm also going to remember the whys of why I'm in this battle and writing this blog at all. So: 

If I use porn I'll be even more exhausted and even sadder. It'll more than likely develop into a binge that eats up half the day and leads to me having multiple hot, self-hating baths. I don't want to be like that any more. I want to get on with living my life, and addictions stop me from doing that. 

That's a short version. If you're in a similar sort of battle yourself you're more than likely very aware of the negatives of indulging your addiction - it doesn't hurt, I don't think and so I'm told, to remind yourself of these from time to time. 

I'll also remind myself of the positives. I'm over 300 days sober. I'm five days free of porn and in the last couple of months I've had more porn free time than I have for a long time. I don't even think about drinking as an option for dealing with this low. Not so long ago I'd have been downstairs now, just woken up and downing thick, treacly black coffee as a means to get myself into something like an upright state. I'd be waiting to start my daily routine when the pub opened - grab a newspaper and chocolate bar, eat the odd bag of peanuts throughout the day. Oh yeah, and drink five or six pints to set myself up for the evening's drinking. 

I wanted this blog to be positive and forward looking. It generally is, I think. However, I do have to remember when NOW is tough that THEN was much much worse. In fact THEN sucked, it sucked big time. 

I did manage to write a list of the things I'd like to have in my future life the other day and I'll get to posting that in the next day or so. That's a much more positive way of looking at this. Not what am I fighting against but what am I fighting for - less Mordor and more the Shire at peace. 

If you spent it, thank you for your time. If you'd like to say hello, offer advice or tell me that I suck big time then please just drop me an email or leave a comment.