Mag told me something last night. "When I'm feeling weak, you're very strong," she said. This is true. It's an admirable thing I suppose, but I'm unable to be very strong for myself. That's how it feels, anyway.
That's what I'm in the process of changing I hope.
I've thought a fair amount about self-sabotage today. This is all about something much bigger than alcohol or porn or smoking or getting out of bed at 7am. It's about growing up and taking responsibility for myself. I'm very scared of that indeed.
Self-sabotage may come into the picture in my failures to break away from addiction. Addictions that allow me to say: "I can't do it now I'm drinking again..." "How can I manage that when I'm battling PMO addiction..." "I'll stop smoking and then I'll be in a better place to manage..."
It's with this in mind that I'm trying very hard to keep doing small things to make the broader picture. As I'm coming from such a low point with skills like looking after myself and my home that can be very small things - putting something away. But it's all about making small changes towards a bigger end. It's a struggle I'll be honest, but I'll keep on struggling.
I was going to write another layer of avoiding crap here. To say that it's hard to get on top of this stuff when I'm so bogged down with work and anxiety and so on and it just struck me that's all part of the same problem. It's constant fucking delay and avoidance - it's a classic isn't it? Waiting for the "right time" that never comes because my office needs clearing up, or there's a leak in the kitchen.
Aaarrggghhh! I could fucking scream at myself now. This has been going on for so long. The paperwork that piles up. The builders that we've been supposed to call for lord knows how many months - a year probably. The review I was going to write for at least a month.
That has to be a big focus. Just get on do some fucking things.
I see all these self-help videos and see the people in them and they feel very distant. You have to remember I've spent a good part of my life ridiculing, mocking and really not fucking liking people like those buff, confident, ambitious, driven people. Now I'm trying to become something like them and, of course, I don't like it.
This is very fundamental. And somewhat troubling. I have to find my own way of course. And I'm right about some of those people. They are twats - chancers and snake-oil salesmen, exploiters and charlatans in some cases. Some are, I think, actively dangerous (and my clicking around PMO has led me to the edges of the PUA movement, which makes my skin crawl).
I’ve also spent all of my life believing that success is not usually earned, that thinking of oneself first is wrong, that individual ambition is damaging for us all and that we should be looking for a far more collective world. Something about smooth, well-dressed Americans talking about super-powers makes me want to put a brick through my computer screen.
This is all pretty visceral and instinctive. I don’t claim any great truth, balance or insight for it, it’s just how I feel at the moment – maybe I’ll have some to Twatmascus conversion on this.
Some are not any of those things of course. Some are good, decent people with something to share, which they are doing – free of charge to the likes of me – for all the right reasons.
I'd like to be like the second kind of course.
If you spent it, thank you for your time. If you're fighting your own battle I wish you strength and peace. If you'd like to talk leave a comment or drop me an email - it's all good.