I'm glad I have now, though - as with everything - I've um-d and ah-d about this. I've wondered if I'm giving up to easily on this. I took it for four days, so not really enough time for any early-use symptoms to ease up. Sorry, but that really felt necessary, I was worried about what was going to happen to my moods. I was worried about suicidal thoughts.
So that feels like a positive.
There aren't many of these at the moment. The big ones remain that I'm sober (and full of Antabuse) and I'm getting more and more porn-free days under my belt.
My parents came over on Sunday and I told them I'd been struggling with anxiety. They were very supportive in their way. I felt guilty about doing it. My parents are elderly now, they shouldn't have to be worrying about their mess-up son. The shoe should be moving onto the other foot now and I'm not in a state where I'm of much use to anyone.
We went out, which was brilliant. Just what I needed. Went out to a crowded place too and did something kind of enjoyable. I was subdued all day, as was Mag, but we did it, and felt better for it.
I've felt more positive today in a small way. I've done sod all work, which is not good, of course. BUT I'M STILL SOBER AND PORN-FREE. In place of all that work I've been reading about addiction and recovery and self-improvement. Not the best perhaps, but better than things might have been.
I've been trying to keep positive. The one thing I've picked up in the last couple of days and I'm really trying to do is just to do something, anything, to make things better. Pick something up. Put something away. Start on some work project. I'm here now because I was doing nothing and thought I should do something.
There's always hope, I suppose. Even from the deepest depths there is hope and I'm a long way up from the depths I've plumbed along the way and that's cause for celebration. I feel like a big pile of rubbish loser, but I've got another day in my sobrieties and I've got another day tomorrow to try to do better.
A struggle, but I'm still struggling and that's a positive.
If you spent it, thank you for your time.